Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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