I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
