Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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