Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
