There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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