Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My liver just had a heart attack.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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