I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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