There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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