A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
