dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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