If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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