i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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