Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
