I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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