sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
