I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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