instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
