Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish you could order shots online.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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