I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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