Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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