Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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