census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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