that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
