never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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