I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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