I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
