I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
