dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
