ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize