your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
