Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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