I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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