i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
