"it" just moved
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
