I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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