what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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