You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
