HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
