JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize