she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize