Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
