I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
