last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
