my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
