I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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