i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Michael Bay diarrhea
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize