is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
