I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
