I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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