My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the day after is always just damage control
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
