careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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