don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
