He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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