the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
