I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
