why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
