theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
