I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
