i just sent this text using only my big toe
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
