Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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